I have a problem.

It’s been a problem I’ve had my whole life.

Most people don’t know about it, and it’s a rarity they would even suspect.

In fact I’ve been accused of the opposite on many occasions.

Most days, I really don’t like myself.

There, I said it.

I could go into my childhood, I could go into my family dynamic, I could tell you aaaall about my personality and why I feel this way. But it is what it is, I have a really hard time liking me. It’s been a long journey, my 26 years on this Earth have been filled with wonderful people. People I love that make the world a better place, people I admire and cherish, ones that without their existence; I would know little about love and what it truly means. I don’t want to beat around the bush, I’m a real person and I don’t like feeling this way. I’m sick and tired of going to bed at night and thinking such horrible thoughts about myself.

“You know you didn’t do any cleaning today? Amanda your house looks like a tornado hit it.”

“When was the last time you went to the gym? Your butt tells me the whole story.”

“When’s the last time you washed your flipping hair?”

“You suck.”

It’s a hard burden to carry because on one hand I am a very happy person. I’m friendly, nice, and I’m a really hard worker. I enjoy listening to others, doing things for others, and letting other people be the center of attention. This is a good thing to do, this is the right thing to do, this is what I should do. But what is left out of the equation?

Me, Myself, and I.

It’s the 2nd day of Summer and I decided it’s time to change things. I’m going to start taking care of me, once and for all. No more lazy dazy Amanda, I’m a {She-Hulk} dang it! I can do it! So this is my list of 10 goals I want to accomplish this Summer. These things will help me take care of me. Don’t worry, I’ll still be giving to others, but I’m hoping this will also allow me to give back to the person that needs some attention, me.

1. Get dressed up: I have some really nice things that I’ve been putting off wearing because I felt fat or insecure. Not anymore. I’m going to try wearing my whole wardrobe this Summer. It’s Michigan so we’re bound to have a few cold snaps where I can wear a sweater or long sleeve shirt. Most of my clothes however accommodate the warmer months because I am after all, a California girl!

2.Wear makeup: This goes along the lines of the getting dressed up thing. Since my new job is super business casual, it’s a rarity indeed that I have a stitch of makeup on. I used to do my makeup in the car (at stop lights only I swear!) when I had other jobs but my commute now is less than 6 minutes with 1 light. Not much time to do it anyway.

3. Getting up earlier: I don’t know if you read the Early to Rise challenge over at Money Saving Mom, but I was so encouraged by it! It was an adjustment for me to go from a 10am to an 8am start at my work so I’m still working out the kinks and going to bed earlier so I can actually wake up at a decent time. I would like to have a 7am wake up call (hopefully I can get it earlier to 6am to hit the gym!) so I can shower, (I’ve been showering at night) do my hair and makeup, and eat breakfast at home. I’ve been chomping away at my desk lately and it doesn’t allow me to enjoy my food! I’m only thinking of how loud my chews are, lol. Do you chew loudly too? I’ll have to thank my dad for that gene!

4. Hair: This is a touchy subject. I always claim I don’t have time to do my hair, but I’m just being lazy. I have the potential for really pretty hair and I need to just freakin do it!  I’ve got very few styling products, that’s on my new list of things to look for since I’m a raging coupon lady. I’m not dumpster diving yet though 🙂

5. Take a break: This may seem like the opposite of what I need but what I mean by that is taking a break for me. I’m involved in church things, sports things, kids things, friends things, husband things, small group things, work things, so many things! We talked about it and the Hubster and I decided to take one week off from church a month. This is a time where we can reflect, read the Bible together, or visit another church. We absolutely love our church, but between the two of us; we volunteer for 9 different ministries. It can be a lot on our offering plates, lol. Ahem…

6. Clean: Ouch, another touchy subject. In the time I’ve taken to figure out why the heck I can’t get my poop in a group and clean my house, I wasted time I could actually be cleaning. So I’m just doing it. I’ve been working well with sprints, which is setting the timer and taking 30minutes to an hour to just clean. And it’s not a leisurely stroll, frequently I’m sweating by the time the buzzer goes off. After it’s over, I realize how much I just got done in so little time. It makes me very happy.

7. Read my Bible: How awesome is our Father in Heaven that He loves us so much that no matter how little we think of ourselves, He thinks the world of us? I know He will continue to work with me as I walk through this life. In the meantime, I’m going to try finding some daily devotionals that I can do on my own. What better way can I take some time and really focus on what is important?

8. Cook more: I’ve had some recent inspirations lately to bake, we’ll see where that goes. Most importantly, making healthy meals is what I value, and I’ve been slacking in the kitchen. We’ve had a lot going on lately and our twice a week restaurant meal has turned into 7-8 times a week, yikes. Too much food and calories, and not enough veggies. Asparagus, oh how I miss thee.

9. Kick my butt: The gym is such a simple and complicated place. I can either go there and accomplish my goal, or I can dwindle on how long it’s been since the last time I went and not go. Simple: I’m happy. Complicated: I’m a procrastinator. So my goal with this is 3x a week. I will probably go more, but starting slow is best. Volleyball season is over so I’m not as active as I once was, the gym is my option. It’s way too hot to run outside. Then again if I start getting up earlier, it may not be such an issue 🙂

10. {She-Hulk-Out} Oh boy, this is where I kick some butt and take some names. Well, it’s more along the lines of blogging more. My words get scrunched up in my head or interrupted by others, it leaves very little time to get them out. And I’ve always loved writing. Always. Hold me to it ok?

Alright, there are my goals. Just to prove to you that I’m working on it, here’s a pic of me today:

IMG_4005

Those jeans by the way? Totally from my 15 year old niece, lol! She’s lost some weight because she’s a hardcore basketball player, so I got them. They’re a little big on me and the zipper tends to unzip (sexy huh?) so they will probably only last the Summer but I think they’re really comfy. My shirt is from last Summer when Old Navy was having a super sale plus free shipping plus 25% off, so I think it was like 6 bucks or something. My bra does the criss cross in the back which matches the shirt. Overall, I’m happy about it! Such a myspace picture isn’t it?

We got up early this morning (for a Saturday) at 8:30am, I got dressed, primped, and I even cleaned the bathroom! I’m going to hold myself to these goals, the goals are for me so this will be a priority. Feel free to share your own goals too, or if you have suggestions I would love to hear them! Take care!

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